My Life Was Following Rules

Growing up in fundamentalism was not easy for me. I felt like I had to follow a set of strict rules that defined who I was and what I could do. I was always afraid of making a mistake, of disappointing God or my parents, of being punished or shamed. I felt like I had to be perfect, but perfection is impossible.

When I went to college at Bob Jones University, I dreaded it because I knew it would be similar. The rules were oppressive and rigid. The teachers and staff were constantly monitoring and judging me. The students were either brainwashed or scared. I couldn't trust anyone or be myself.

Photographer: McKenzie Lange

In my podcast, Surviving Bob Jones University, an anonymous survivor said the following,

“My life was purely living by the rules. That's pretty much all I did, all I was. And so it made me feel very isolated and trapped while at Bob Jones. Because I couldn't have any kind of slip-ups and college is a place where you're supposed to make a lot of lifelong friends and you're supposed to have new experiences, but the rules and teachings made it impossible to find loyal, trustworthy friends because of snitching and manipulation and I knew what the teachings were. I knew what to expect, but I tried to view it differently and I tried to. . . it was very hard to find personal connection and even share with other people how I was feeling, how I was doing. . . and it did come back to bite me too.”

This hit me to the core. My life was following rules. My worth was dependent on my outward behavior. Who was I without all the work? Who was I if I didn’t accept fundamentalist ideology? How could I have healthy relationships if they depended on my beliefs and actions?

You see, growing up, I was the ‘perfect kid.’ I followed all the rules and felt better than everyone else, but this came with a cost. This cost was shame. The weight of shame in fundamentalism is unbearable, and it’s something I still struggle with.

As I’ve been in therapy, I have learned that perfectionism is the mask of shame. In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown says, “Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think?”

When I read this, I remember in fundamentalism being told “You could be the only Bible someone reads, you don’t want to bring shame on your family through ‘sin’, you don’t want to make your brothers and sisters in Christ stumble, etc.” All these things focus on the outward appearance.

As I continued my journey of self-discovery and healing, I realized that breaking free from the confines of fundamentalism was just the beginning. It was a process of unlearning the toxic beliefs and rebuilding my own set of values and principles. I have started to embrace vulnerability and imperfection, understanding that they are essential parts of being human. I surround myself with a supportive community that encourages authenticity and growth. Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to grow and be imperfect.