So I’ve Been Writing a Memoir…

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As I glanced at my coffee, the dark thoughts were beginning. I wondered, what was wrong? I raised my eyes to see a group of Bob Jones students entering the coffee shop. This was a favorite coffee shop of mine, mainly because of its large windows on every wall. It gave a liberating feeling, allowing me to escape the enclosed environment of Bob Jones University. It was my freshman year (2018-2019) at the school and I was suffering in silence.

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Looking back, it’s so obvious what was wrong, but I was indoctrinated to believe everything was my fault. On paper, it seemed as though I had the "perfect" life. I was homeschooled in a "good Christian" family that aimed to instill "The Truth" in me. I attended a "church" that claimed to have The Truth, a formula for a successful life, and answers to all of life's problems. I had "good" parents who isolated me from the outside world in an effort to "protect" me from "evil.” The notion of abuse occurring in a Christian family was inconceivable; I was taught abuse only happened in secular families that consumed alcohol…

I was too scared to discuss my mental health with anyone at BJU, so I began typing out my life experiences in a Word document to understand what the issue was. As I typed away, it became clearer why I was struggling. I grew up gay in fundamentalism, which was considered an abomination. I was different in an environment that valued conformity above all else. In fact, conforming to the "church's" teachings and rules was evidence of your eternal salvation. I was also subjected to and experienced many horrific things because of this difference in me. Things that were portrayed as "loving correction", "discipline," or showing me "The Truth." I also began to see the harmfulness of my "church's" teachings and the negative impact on my mind. I eventually decided to turn this document into a memoir. I announced the memoir after my expulsion from BJU in 2022, but I later deleted any mention of it because I needed more time to process and find the language to understand my experiences. At that point of writing the document, the only language I had to describe my experience was spiritual abuse and religious trauma.

As I’ve read many books, and have been in therapy, I’ve found so many more words that describe my experiences. Words and terms like cult, brainwashing, emotional abuse, psychological torture, enmeshment, betrayal trauma, physical abuse, internalized homophobia, coercive control, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting and so many more.

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I took a year-long break from writing the memoir, and last fall, I planned the theme/message and story structure for the memoir. Earlier this year, I listed around 120 experiences/stories that stood out from my childhood and at BJU. Based on the book's theme, I narrowed that list down to approximately 60 stories that would be included in the book. A couple of months ago, I started writing the second draft. I decided to do it with pen and paper because this physical act is more therapeutic than typing on a keyboard. It feels right to be getting back to the writing process. I've written twenty chapters so far, and I've cried through every single one. It's been good; it's been healing. I feel the release of the trauma happening. It feels aligned with my purpose. I'm writing a memoir about escaping my cult upbringing and would appreciate your support on this journey.